Postal (2007)

postal

Postal
Dir. Uwe Boll
Premiered at the Fantasia Festival July 21, 2007

Spoiler warning.

After making In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Uwe Boll decided he was finally ready to make a comedy film showing critics who’s boss.

I guess.

Postal, based on and having nothing to do with the video game of the same name, opens with the touching story of two 9/11 hijackers who decide not to destroy the World Trade Center after learning that heaven is running out of virgins, but are stopped by heroic passengers and accidentally crash into the South Tower.

Take that, thought police.

The virgin shortage has turned out to be a huge problem, as Osama bin Laden (actually an American actor in the pocket of the US government, played by Larry Thomas) needs to find new ways to motivate his followers to blow themselves up. At the same time, Florida cult leader Uncle Dave (Dave Foley) owes money to the IRS (because Boll doesn’t know that religions don’t pay taxes in the US) and needs a big score to keep living a life of 24/7 blowjobs.

Welcome to the real world, jackass. Uwe Boll ain’t part of your system.

Also, there’s this guy (Zack Ward) who can’t find a job, lives in a trailer park, and has a morbidly obese wife who cheats on him, decides to contact Uncle Dave (who is his actual uncle) looking for help. Uncle Dave and the Taliban– Boll thinks they’re the same organization as Al Qaeda– both come up with the same idea: steal a limited supply of talking plush dolls of a children’s character called Krotchy, a literal cock and balls, and sell them on eBay at exorbitant prices. In the process of doing this, they kidnap “international superstar” Verne Troyer, who curses a lot and it’s supposed to be funny because he’s a little person or something.

Unfortunately, the Taliban also want the Krotchy dolls because each one contains a vial of Bird Flu that they hope will wipe out the infidels. Also, Uncle Dave’s true believer sidekick (Chris Coppola) wants to unleash the Bird Flu in order to fulfill a biblical prophecy to end all life on earth and also rape Verne Troyer with a thousand monkeys.

Triggered.

He also cameos as himself in a scene where he’s congratulated for “turning video games into hit movies,” and then expresses his passions for Nazi gold and child molestation.

Goodness me. I am beside myself with fury. Grr.

David Huddleston and Seymour Cassel occasionally talk shit at the movie. Also, it turns out that one of Dave’s henchwomen was only pretending to be mentally impaired. The movie ends with the US being nuked by China, the Postal Guy blowing up his wife and all of her fat flesh falling over town before the bombs fall. Bush and bin Laden skip into the distance and quote Casablanca. Death to America.

Problem?

This is Uwe Boll’s idea of comedy: constantly trying to shock, and always failing because there’s obviously no point to any of it. I should be infuriated by everything I see, but it’s so diffuse and random that I can’t be. Boll makes fun of 9/11, engages in some trutherism, is obsessed with morbidly obese women, doesn’t know the difference between Hindus and Muslims, and figuratively cracks wise about how panhandlers (like the one here played by Michael Paré) are all obviously rich and trying to scam you (probably seeing himself in the latter). But I mean, he doesn’t really. He’s just trying to get a rise out of you, and making no effort whatsoever, so who really gives a shit?

I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Signs This Was Made in 2007
In addition to everything previously mentioned, Osama says “I just wish I knew how to quit you.”

How Did It Do?
By 2007, Uwe Boll was no longer content to challenge his critics (at least the ones who couldn’t plausibly beat him) to boxing matches. Instead, he merely recorded an extended rant where he declared himself cinema’s “only genius” and referred to several other, more successful filmmakers as “fucking retards,” before quickly claiming that he didn’t mean it when said filmmakers responded. Technically speaking, this video was the bulk of Postal’s advertising.

Postal never received a proper release in the US, and Boll responded by claiming political persecution. The film grossed $146,741 against $15 million budget, earned a 7% fresh rating on RottenTomatoes, and was nominated for multiple Razzies. Additionally, the German tax loophole that enabled him to make movies closed, and while he hasn’t totally gone away, the salad days were good and over.

Never Forget.

Next Time: The Simpsons Movie

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